You just bought a car and your first thoughts are about how you’re going to modify it. I applaud you. You sound like an exciting person. Let’s grab a drink sometime. Some people know exactly what it is that they want to do to their beloved automobile and dive right into the douchebaggery. But you, there is hope for you. You’re not quite sure and you’re weighing your options. You could go for a classy ride, or make it the biggest POS on the planet. I don’t care, just as long as you don’t look like a gigantic jerk doing it. I’ve made a nice little list for you to refer to, friend-o.
I don’t care how country you think you are. Chances are, you live in a densely populated city and the only obstacles your truck has to get over is the concrete lip at the entrance to Tim Hortons. If you have one of these on your truck, you’s better be building a rock crawler, otherwise everyone in the parking lot will think you’re small-minded and have an unfortunate circumstance in your pants.
Stickers On Stickers
Oh, you have a Nürburgring sticker on your Golf? I get it! It’s a German car! But, you’ve never been there and I can smell what’s wrong with your VW, so take it off. Contrary to popular belief, stickers don’t add horsepower, so I don’t know why you have 30 thousand of them on your car. Oh, you also have a “No Fat Chicks” sticker? You must be popular with the ladies.
Chroming Your Car
Instead of painting your car, you can get it vinyl wrapped now. It’s cost-effective and looks pretty good. You can also spend more and get your car chrome-wrapped and look like a total ass hat. Seriously? You want your car to look that terrible, plus broadcast to everyone around you that you’re an idiot? Do you know who chromed his car? Justin Beiber. Do I need to say any more? I thought not.
Engine technology has progressed to the point of black smoke being nearly eliminated from vehicle exhaust, but you’re just fine with ripping everything up and taking us back to the Dark Ages, eh? Modded diesel engines paired with smoke stacks installed in the truck bed mean you’re blowing terrible smoke full of carcinogens on the public and Mother Nature. David Suzuki knows who you are. He has a particular set of skills. He will find you, and he will kill you.
Everyday drivers will take pity on you and think you broke your car, but everyone else will know you paid to break it on purpose. Lowered suspension can help the handing and overall performance of your car, but slamming it to the ground, using ridiculous amounts of negative camber on your wheels, and then stretching your tires is going to cost you in the long run. With all the negative camber, it looks like you tried to make your car into the hover DeLorean from Back to the Future Part II, but didn’t quite make it. Your stupidity at least makes me laugh.
Well, there you have it. A handy guide to what you should never do to your vehicle if you want to avoid looking like an idiot. You might think you’ll reel in the ladies or gentlemen or snag some street cred from other owners, but you’ll just look like a douchenozzle. Modding your car can be some of the best and most rewarding things you can do. If I catch you doing any of the things in this list, I’ll kick your car. And you, because you obviously hate your car and yourself.